• Samantha Caiels

What Can We Learn From Queer Sex?



Between 2015 and 2019, the Office for National Statistics recorded an increase in the number of people in the UK identifying as lesbian, gay or bisexual.


“An estimated 2.7% of the UK population aged 16 years and over identified as lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) in 2019, an increase from 2.2% in 2018.”

So, with this in mind, along with the ever-increasing desire for us to improve our sexual experiences and level up our pleasure, I ask, what can we learn from queer sex?






Are You Following A Sexual Script?

Traditional sex education portrays almost a script, or ‘base’ theory for us that is heterosexual and this is replicated in film, books, and other media channels. The ‘base’ theory is one that most of us will recognise; first base – kissing, second base - heavy petting/manual stimulation, third base - oral stimulation, and a home run - penetrative sex. This is then generally how our sexual experiences play out. The home run being deemed as penetrative sex, and with that, the male orgasm is the way we are all told the script should end. But why is this so?

In this script, once the male orgasm has occurred the show is over, and in a lot of cases this is whether the female has experienced an orgasm or not, which would go some way to explain why the orgasm rate for heterosexual women is so low compared to men, 65% for hetero women vs 95% for hetero men. But the orgasm rate is significantly different for gay men and lesbian women, so what are they doing that heterosexual women are not?



What Does Having Queer Sex Entail?

Let’s look at the script for queer sex, there isn’t one! There is no traditional script for what ‘having sex’ entails, so one is made. There are no limits, a new script is created and along with the ability to create new pleasures, communication and openness are frequent narratives in this sex story.

This gives way to re-writing the ‘rules’ around heteronormativity and the norm that it idealises.

It can affect our pleasure in many ways because the concept of heteronormativity is so deeply ingrained in our institution in many ways. From normalising the notion that the male is seen as the dominant partner and the woman as the submissive to the woman being responsible for contraception, either being on the pill or ensuring she has condoms to hand, all the way through to the man's orgasm taking precedent through penetration and the woman settling and not speaking out whether she has one or not.


There’s no reason why we can’t push against this outdated theory and let ourselves be open to a diverse range of sexual practices and relationships which could go to lengths to improve our personal sexual pleasure.


Infographic is taken from Sex & Psychology - Infographic: Rates of Orgasm by Sexual Orientation and Gender 2017


Sexual intimacy is key. Speaking in terms of heterosexual sex, sexual intimacy (or foreplay) is a means to an end, often something that is perceived as necessary for the main act to occur; penetration. Due to the fact that often foreplay is rushed in order to get to the finale of penetration, the woman loses out on the build-up and that ever-elusive orgasm. I’ve experienced it many times in a heterosexual situation, where foreplay will involve a little kissing, followed by some cursory digital stimulation and a bit of nipple play before the expectation for you to be ready for penetration without even a courteous pump of lube to help. Now I’m not saying this is all situations involving penetration, but there is a large number where this particular scenario occurs.



Re-writing Sexual Scripts

Sexual intimacy is often referred to as foreplay. I feel this term is massively outdated and something that really needs to be quashed along with sex being penis-focused and the aforementioned notion that penetration is the ‘real sex’ part. Sexual intimacy should be all about exploration, touching, stroking, kissing, experimenting and all-important communication, however is often mistaken for something that is deemed necessary before penetration so maybe this is why it is rushed on the regular with penetration playing the so-called starring role in this feature!

All sexual intimacy should be classed as sex, it’s not intercourse no, but definitely sex. Hands between my thighs stimulating my vulva? Sex. Kisses running up my neck turning me on? Sex. Mouth on my clitoris bringing me to orgasm? Sex.



Now this is where we can really start to learn from queer sex, because there is no traditional script a whole new one is written, and this is where the fun can really start. Having had experiences with both men and women; no script to hand, along with learning new things, this is where it gets interesting. With no emphasis on penetration, unless you’ve specified otherwise, the whole occasion of sexual intimacy remains open.

I mean, let’s face it, with COVID-19 and restrictions being in place, many men and women have turned to digital forms of sex, but are we saying because there is no penis in vagina, sex hasn’t occured? I don’t agree, I would say if you participate in an act that brings you pleasure and to a level of sexual arousal, that is a form of sex.


Communication Is Key! Let’s Talk About Sex!

Boundaries are discussed, likes and dislikes are talked about and the channel of communication is well and truly open. Exploring is levelled up and the voyage to stimulate each-other bodies charters all new waters. It’s about connecting; running your fingers over someone’s skin, getting to know their soft spots, knowing what pressure makes them react and seeing where they are sensitive to the touch of your tongue and your kisses. In addition to all of this, being vocal.

Obviously, a gentle moan or ‘oh yes’ to point a partner in the right direction is always helpful, but what if we were the Captain Direction of our Sensual Ship? Sometimes it’s not about critique, it’s about encouragement and that all important communication we’ve been talking about.

Without penetration and sex being centered on the penis, the emphasis is on everything else that happens before and the aim is simply to achieve pleasure and set us free from the pressure of performing the traditional script by using other means. Let’s explore; think about the way you like to be touched, kissed, stroked, licked, rubbed and pressure used.

One of my first experiences with a woman included being sexually active for around 4 hours, spending time kissing, seducing, rubbing, licking and stroking each-other, and talking about previous experiences. It was extremely sensual and without any mention of penetration!

So, in essence, what can we learn from queer sex?

Sexual intimacy is so much more than penetration, it’s about being able to know your own body first and communicate that to someone else.


Image by Arte Fama

As women, we should have the confidence to be able to communicate our wants and desires. You as a person should know that if you want someone to go faster, slower, harder, softer, lick there or touch here, it’s okay to verbalise it. Shout it from the rooftops if needed to get your point across; that your pleasure matters!

So how can we make sure that we are getting these points across and communicating what it is we desire?

It can be as simple as sitting down and having a conversation around your sexual needs, but we know this isn’t always easy for some people. Alternatively, you could try watching a sexy film or programme together and suggesting a re-enactment, reading a book and sending a choice passage to your partner, or simply sending a sexy text to initiate what it is you would like from your partner.

In addition to this, when communicating what you want when being intimate with someone, how are you supposed to articulate this when you might not even know yourself. And this is the time for self exploration.

Set some time aside for self care, I for one like to set the mood sometimes. Put on some fresh sheets, have a warm bath, light my favourite candle and really let go. Take some time to stroke over your skin with your fingers, play with pressure, use your nails, run your hands everywhere and see what your body responds to. Don’t however put yourself under pressure to orgasm, this is a chance to explore and gather valuable information about how to make yourself feel good and be able to communicate that to a partner.


How To Explore Sexual Intimacy

It’s time to make like Columbus and explore! And then why not take some time to play with your partner, and I mean just play. If it leads to an orgasm then bonus, but don’t make that your end game.

Again, set the mood, light a candle, enjoy a bath together where you can stroke, touch and rub, try a sensual massage (a massage candle is one of my favourite things to use) or why not have a good old fashioned kissing sesh, kissing can be vital in establishing pleasure so get at it, playing with pressure and different kisses in other places on the body too.

It could also be as simple as laying in bed facing each other, engaging in some juicy eye contact (a personal favourite) and gently stroking one another, running your hands all over your partner and vice versa, through their hair and over their skin, maybe even guiding their hands if the mood strikes you, don’t be shy, get close! And while you’re there why not try mutual masturbation, this can be a golden opportunity to show your partner some of the ways you really enjoy being touched to be able to capitalise on that together.

Let your voices be heard ladies! Let’s communicate and claim the pleasure we deserve!


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