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  • Writer's picturePhoenix Tarampi

Come Together

We're all about masturbation, but in some contexts the practice still carries taboo.

For many people in relationships or having regularly partnered sex, learning that your lover wanks on the reg can feel a little painful… almost like cheating.

A study conducted in the United States in 2017 found that in some men, masturbation often compensates for an unfulfilled sex life, and in some women, masturbating complements a healthy one. However, the respondents' association to masturbation depends heavily on the frequency of partnered sex. The only definitive conclusion was that pretty much everybody who has sex, masturbates.

Therefore, the idea that masturbation = bad sex life (or that wanking = cheating) is a mindset we'd like to leave in the past.

There are so many mental, emotional, and physical health benefits to regular masturbation - and people in healthy relationships encourage that in their partners.

Some people may feel that if their partner is frequently pleasuring themselves, they're doing so because they're unsatisfied with their sex life. Similar to the idea that watching pornography in a relationship is akin to cheating - I feel as though any problems rest in our own contextual experience, not in the act (wanking/watching) itself. However, everybody is a little different and it's very important to approach concerns or issues in your sex life with compassion and clear communication.

So, in the spirit of breaking taboos and bringing pleasure to everybody, here are a few Ways to Wank With Your Partner:


"Tell me what you want, baby," sounds great in theory. It shows your beau or babe is keen to provide YOU with pleasure. But sometimes words fail to describe the exact swirl of the finger you're aiming for. Demonstrating with your own hands, on your own body, what feels good can flick on the proverbial lightbulb without any fuss. So lean back, bring up the lights and make sure they're paying attention.

Once you've managed to communicate what you like, take their hand and guide them through the moves. This can be a super sexy way to fine-tune their pressure, speed, and volume of lube, too. It's like teaching somebody how to bake a cake, but the cake is an orgasm.


For some, masturbation is sex and sex is masturbation. Watching your partner pleasure themselves can be super erotic, and a private show can be a wonderful, intimate thing to share. And I've called this section "performance" because, let's face it, wanking with an audience is going to be a little different from those times we're alone in the dark with our pyjamas pulled halfway down, trying not to smudge our anti-aging face mask.

Yes, your audience may be taking mental notes on your moves but it's highly likely they're watching your facial expression and the heat of pleasure making its way across your skin. Is it warm in here, or is it just me?

Mutual Masturbation

Don't love the spotlight?

Hate being the first one to jump into a pond in case the water is freezing?

Holding hands and jumping in together usually works for those things, so why not for partnered masturbation?

Expanding on the Performance section above, why don't you try entertaining the idea that pleasure begets pleasure. Banish stage fright and build the mood together while touching yourselves. You can watch each other or focus on yourself, and still riff off your energeies.

Masturbating together means you're both basically guaranteed to get off, and there's no dissatisfaction if somebody finishes first. You get the benefits of performance and demonstration, plus everybody gets an orgasm. Yay!

Leveling Up Your Moves

Couples who learn together, love together. Masturbating with a partner can really fire up your imagination, whether it's being shown an erogenous zone you never knew existed, discovering that a gentle pinch here or a light tug there can feel nicer than you thought, or finding out just how flexible your lover is! Especially for same-sex couples, seeing how another person self-pleasures can unlock many, many delicious ideas. Think, "I've never thought to do it like that before!"

Once you're all nice and comfy with the idea of pleasuring yourselves together, consider introducing a toy. This is a lovely way to incorporate a vibrator or other sex toy into your routine without making it all about the toy. Achievement unlocked.

I hope this little roundup has given you some ideas and you're going to tab over to your calendars and see what evenings you can block off for some masturbatory fun.

Good lovers only want what's best for each other, and that means providing a supportive, comfortable environment in which to receive and create pleasure in all its forms.

Yes, some people masturbate to fill a gap in their sex life. Yes, some people have difficulty accepting their lovers enjoy pleasuring themselves. No, you're not wrong for feeling any of these things. But we do lovingly encourage you to put your misgivings aside for an evening and find out whether making yourself feel good might… feel good.


"We found evidence supporting a compensatory relationship between masturbation and sexual frequency for men, and a complementary one among women, but each association was both modest and contingent on how content participants were with their self-reported frequency of sex"

Written by #phoenixtarampi


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